Not Another Crack Fic
by Shancho
Summary: Ed's a prince! Roy's Not wearing a shirt, Winry's crazy Al has a kitten Winry's crazy Envy's coming soon
1. RUN AWAY!

The great prince Edward was enjoying a wonderful afternoon destroying his brother Alphonse I chess.

"Checkmate…_again." _Said Edward yawning for; he had beaten his brother for the 6th time that day.

"How do you keep beating me nii-san." Said a sad Alphonse looking at the chessboard. "Mew." Even Al's kitten was sad.

"_Because_ Al I'm always inside here playing… well hiding from that thing Father wants me to marry." He glanced out the window see a blond girl waving at him neurotically and screaming like a tone-deaf banshee.

"Edward…OH EDWARD! There you are…look I've picked out the living room furniture for when you move in with me! I even calculated what our children would look like! They're blond and adorable! And…" He toned her out as Princess Winry continued to screech from her carriage.

"Nii-san she's not _that _bad."

"Like hell she's not! It's a fate worse than death to hear that voice everyday…"he shuddered thinking mornings with Winry. "…My poor precious ears…I'll be deaf within a week…tops." Their Father walked into their room slowly and tiredly.

"Edward you have a visitor." Ed stood up angrily and started sulking.

"If it's that blond whore I'm not here!"

"Edward."

"Van Hoenheim."

"Edward here she is."

"And here I go." The blond Prince started to walk briskly to the door, but his brother grabbed his shirt halting him.

"Nii-san just listen to her for once." Ed begrudgingly sat down in his chair and told his father to bring her in or rather said 'bring the vomit inducing thing with legs in'. Al's kitten had hidden under his jacket; hissed and clawed as Princess Winry sat down in front of Ed and smiled warmly.

"Hello your Majesty." Ed at first only glared at princess Winry when she walked in but looked at his father with an 'I hate you' look. His father frowned back and held up a glass of milk, which was signal for. "I'll drown and/or attempt to hurt you in more ways than he could ever imagine." It wasn't a bluff the last time he was snobby to a princess he was dangled by his ankle over a vat of milk, whilst being continuously dipped, for 5 hours.

That was the worst thing ever…but it was very good for his skin. He said a weak hello and stated listening to blond talking thing.

"And well Edward about the children I was thinking about 20 mostly girls of course." Ed twitched. "Umm everything will have to be bright neontwitch pink twitch to match the castle." Winry had closed her eyes to let Ed allow the information to sink in.

"Wait Ed!" screamed Al.

"Edward don't!" yelled Hoenheim. Winry opened her eyes in shock to see Ed standing on the windowsill.

"No Eddy-Kins!" Ed twitched at 'kins'.

"Goodbye, I'll be back when she leaves or dies…preferably the latter of the two."

"Wait Edward! Love ME! I'm PRETTY!" Winry desperately ran towards the window. Ed hastily jumped out of the window.

"Isn't this Like the 5th floor!" she screamed as Ed soared down to the ground.

"HAHAHA I'm A NINJA!!" he landed gracefully and took off in a high speed run(AN: nah he's just being stupid he really has automail). In only minutes he heard horses galloping behind him.

"Edward please? Come back to me! Go faster!"

"What? The Hell she's still here!"

--FLASHBACK—

"Edward nooooooo." Winry attempted to jump out the window.

"Wait Winry!" cried a frantic Al. "Use the stairs."

"If he can do it so can I!"

"Winry do you want to die!"

"Oh yeah…that may hinder me if I want to pursue Ed!" she ran hurriedly to and down the stairs.

"Man Alphonse why didn't you let her die?" asked Hoenhiem.

"What? Father you don't like her either?"

"No"

"Then why'd you pick her as a suitor for Ed?"

"Hey wenn schon denn schon."

"What?"

"It was a sad a horrible story of a young girl." He raised his hand dramatically to his forehead.

"What! What are you talking about?"

"What?" Alphonse slapped his forehead and took a deep breath.

"Oh god Why did you pick Winry?"

"Oh I didn't pick her."

"Then _who _did?"

"I was forced by a horrible Evil. It…it was so long ago I cannot possibly remember."

YESTERDAY 

"Hey… hey you! You should get Princess Winry to Marry Prince Ed." (Random drunk)

"Okay."

--End Flashback—

"God get her away from me I don't wanna marry her the children…oh the child-" Ed was grabbed and hoisted unto the shoulder of a stranger into the woods.

"What are you supposed to be… some kind of Robin Hood?" as he was set down in the woods the crazy screams of princess Winry faded of into the distance.

" I am Someone far better I…AM…ROY!"


	2. I AM ROY

Ed looked at the man standing before him. He was donning nothing but pants and tight ones at that. His hat was thrown t him by a women handling a painful set of crossbows.

"I.AM.ROY! And these are my subordinates!"

"Aren't there supposed to be seven?"

"That's Snow White, there were 7 but…" he sat down. "That is a long sad tale of two brave men gone in the line of duty, Alex Louis Armstrong, and Maes Hughes." They all lowered their hats to their chests and looked to the ground. "They're in a better place."

"Okay then…well why'd you help me?"

Because!" he stood up quickly and stared at Ed.

"Oh boy lemme guess 'cause you Roy right."

"I wasn't going to say that! I am Roy." He cleared his throat. "Well Mini-Prince twitch I aim to help those in need I rob from the-"

"Wait, wait, wait. Were you that guy I saw yesterday taking my things?"

"Umm no nooo, no you didn't let me finish. I um rob from them umm…"

"It doesn't matter anyway Winry gave them to me."

"Oh alright…well I rob from the _ungrateful _rich. My subordinates are…"

"And?"

"And what?"

"You rob from the ungrateful rich _and_…?"

"Keep it."

"Lord." Ed sighed and looked at his feet wondering what the hell was going on.

"Well anyway why did you help me?"

"Oh I don't know I was just passing by ya see it was my turn to lead the cops-"

"Okay well bye."

"Wait!"

"What?"

"I never told you my subordinates names." He whined pouting.

"Fine tell me…if it'll make you happy."

"Their names are Riza, Havoc, Fuery, Farman, and Breda." He pointed to them accordingly.

"Are you happy now?"

"Not really."

"What now!"

"I don't know tell us why you're running."

"Well that woman that was chasing me…I don't want to-" Ed was carried off yet again.

"This is getting old."

"It's okay Ed I saved you!"

"Will you die already!"?

"OW!" She screamed falling and dropping Ed. Ed looked up from the ground and spit up the dirt he had just inhaled.

"If you were gonna die why didn't you die when I was safely on the ground!" Ed was pulled away from the scene by Roy and ran hurriedly through the forest.

"She's not dead Riza only shot her in the back of the knee."

"Why not the heart?"

"Because Fuery's afraid of zombies."

"What's that got to do with it!"?

"If she dies she'll come back as a zombie…duh." Roy said Matter-of-Factly. "So she doesn't find you I'll take you to a safe house." They arrived at a castle the next day in the kingdom next county.

"Now Edward there's someone named Sheska there tell her Roy sent you. She's the princes' hand maiden/receptionist. I'm sure you can work there until you find a proper spouse."

"Who said I wanted to work! I'm a prince I don't work!"

"You do now…did I mention he only hires women?"

"What!"?

"What? I figured since this prince is always turning down his suitors, it wouldn't be hard for you to find one quick…although I haven't actually seen the rejects leave the castle…alive."

"What?"

"Nothing"

LATER 

"Oh Ed you look simply wonderful." Said a happy looking Roy at Ed who was in a pretty white dress. Ed's hair was out and flowing decorating said hair were two pink barrettes.

"I hate you so much right now."

"Well Ed I think you look lovely. And here's you gloves they match perfectly!"

"If I'm supposed to be a hand maiden why am I dressed so elegantly?" he looked in the mirror. "Do I look fat in this?"

"Yes."

"I hate you even more."

"Well we'll just have to pretty it down."

"Havoc the chainsaw!!"


	3. The Palace

LATER…AGAIN 

"Tah-Dah!"

"I hate you."

Ed was now wearing a smaller fluffier version of his dress. He was wearing makeup and his lovely golden hair was flowing in the breeze.

"Tah-Tah!" Roy left Ed on the stairs of the palace.

"Note to self…when I get home Roy Mustang is to work for me until he dies." (AN: Which may not be very long because Ed's gonna make him sleep with Al's Tiger Puffy) The palace guard escorted Ed to the princes' office, to be interviewed. A medium woman with brown hair and glasses walked in.

"Hi I'm Sheska, do you have any experience?"

"Umm Roy sent me?" she adjusted her glasses.

"hmm you don't look like a hooker?"

"What! Does he normally send hookers?"

"Whatever follow me." She led Ed down the hallway. They arrived at the room labeled. 'ROYAL JOB GUY'. Ed walked into the room to see a moving chair. Sheska cleared her throat and the man raised a silencing finger.

"Yeah , Yeah okay I love you too. Yes you may use all the money in her bank account…Stay away from boys they'll give you herpes. (But daddy I'm 5 ) yeah so was he… what he get out of rehab soon. Yeah, yeah bye." The man turned

"Ahem Mr. Hughes first Gracia called and she wanted you to call her back…something about her mysteriously losing money out of her bank."

"Who's that?"

"Who's who?"

"This Gracia person?"

"Your wife."

"…"

"Married her about 6 years ago."

"…"

"Elysia came out of her"

" ohhh her umm send her flowers or whatever they eat."

"…umm and Mr. Hughes this maiden here is looking for a job…" she lowered her voice, "Roy sent her."

"…you don't look like a hooker…well you kinda do but no matter" he pointed to his name tag. "My name is Maes Hughes…hey you don't have aids do you?"

"Why the hell would you ask me that?!"

"I'm not hearing a no."

"Wait you said your Maes Hughes…aren't you supposed to be dead?"

"No…why," he narrowed his eyes and pulled a knife from nowhere. "Do you plan to kill me?!"

"No…it's just well you came up in conversation and Roy gave the impression that you were dead."

"Well no I'm not dead I just left."

"Why'd you leave?"

"Better pay, Roy steals but not very well…at least he barely gets caught."

"But I thought he was loaded."

"Tch…yeah with Lawsuits." Hughes stood up. " Well anyway follow me to the princes' chambers."

"Why do we have to go there?"

"You work there."

"Why?"

"I don't know I felt like it."

"Okay"

lllllllll 

"Prince Envy!" called Maes searching for the wondering prince. "Oh well I've decided to leave you here unattended." Hughes left Ed standing in Envy's room.

"Hey do you have AIDs?" called Sheska walking into the room .

"NO I DON'T!"

" 'Kay Hughes I think he sent a clean one this time!"

"I'm NOT A HOOKER!!!"

"Whatever you say." Sheska left and Ed was deserted all alone.

O0o0o0o0o0o0o 

"Hey Hughes… you do notice that was a boy right?"

"Yeah."

"Then why did you?"

"I don't really care as long as I can nurture my darling daughter Elysia. So I can spend money on her and she can be all happy."

"Gracia too right?"

"Who?"

**o00oo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"Who they hell are you?!" yelled an angry prince Envy finding Ed napping on his bed.

"Well I…"

"You look like one but your pretty small for a hooker."

twitch

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THEY CAN ONLY BE SEEN WITH THE FINEST MAGNIFICATION SETTING YOU BASTARD!!!"

"What did you say to me!" yelled a furious Envy. "Do you have a death wish mini-whore."


End file.
